All The Weird Kids Upfront

I’m unconsoled, I’m lonely, I am so much better then I used to be

I’ve recently just got really into the Weakerthans this year, and I think it’s slowly crushing me emotionally. Pretty much all of Left and Leaving leaves me in this emotional state that not even Jai Paul can elevate. This song in particular has so many lines that I just feel should be my mantra or at least tattoo worthy. At some points it even hits too close to home and becomes hard to listen case in point when I decided to listen to it today.

Circumnavigate this body, of wonder and uncertainty

A few hours ago I sent off one of my closet friends at the airport and even though we have been hanging out for just a year at this point I already miss him and my life doesn’t feel the same now that he is not a permanent fixture. Also in a way he was pretty much my glue to a few other friends I have gotten along with over the past year or two. At one point we talked about moving in together and I was excited because it would have given me an opportunity to live in the city for once because I am soooo tired of suburbia and it’s many forms.

Rely a bit too heavily on alcohol and irony

For the past few days I’ve been drinking heavier than usual. Not too serious though just enough that i really enjoy myself and pass out around the time everyone else does. In fact I’m a little drunk now.

Get clobbered on by courtesy, in love with love and lousy poetry

When I say he was our glue I mean I literally think this small group of friends I have will dissolve without him and that we will stop hanging out once he’s gone. I’ve already had to stop myself from a situation and now I’m wondering whether I should totally just go ahead and say fuck it and do something that I’m 80% sure will lead to no good.

And I’m losing all those stupid games, that I swore I’d never play

So there’s this girl. That I was seeing at one point. And then she started seeing someone else. At first I was ok, and slowly I was not ok. Like having trouble sleeping at night not ok. Like first thought in the morning not ok. And she is still seeing the other person. And I am still hanging out with her because my friends are still friends with her. So I see her and my feelings don’t go away. And though her current boyfriend doesn’t even live here I still feel him around all the time. In conversations, in text messages, no matter where he is his presence is felt. And I feel like I have to tell her how I feel or I’ll go insane. But also a part of me feels like I should just be happy that she’s happy. And also if I tell her these feelings there is no going back. No late-night Netflix and smoke sessions. No casual conversations over fatty food. No chance of me ever hanging with her without fear of crossing a line. A part of me feels like I have to, but another part of me feels that I should just be happy breathing the same air she does.

But it almost feels ok

At the gas station near my house, after I had left the airport (and the two people who I’m worried now I will spend less time with, one of whom is the aforementioned girl) I bought a six pack of Abita Turbodog, and started singing the words to this song. I had to stop myself from crying. 

(Source: Spotify)

I live with his decisions because he has a pure heart.” The terrible thing about losing is that it makes you sentimental. Winning makes you sentimental, too, but mostly because it fills you with an exaggerated love for the people who helped you along the way. Losing makes you want to defend the people you love who’ve disappointed you. But you can’t say that stuff, because to the people who don’t feel the loss the way you feel it, you’ll sound like a moron, or worse, a mystic. When you lose, I thought as I joined the crawl toward the on-ramp, and you want to hold on to the past that you’re afraid is about to slip away from you, you have to say the opposite of what you mean. What Brooks should have told the media was not “Kevin Durant is pure of heart”; it was “sports is the worst and it sucks and I hate it.

—I want to be Brian Phillips.  (via bethlehemshoals)